Taking your relationship for granted?

Couples often come into my office complaining about the lack of intimacy after many years of marriage. They talk about how their partner has changed from someone attentive and caring towards their feelings and needs to someone who behaves indifferently and selfishly at times.

These couples tell me how at the beginning of their relationship their partner was very courteous and polite to them, saying “please” and “thank you” often, dressing up and grooming for their dates, listening and having great conversations with them and going out of their way to please them. And nowadays they spend most of their time on their phone or computer, groom themselves only when they go out of the house, rarely ask for their partner’s opinion or input before making a decision, have nothing nice to say to their partner and instead criticise them when things do not go according to their expectations.

Couples look back at those early days and feel sad and disappointed. They don’t feel close to their partner anymore and they don’t feel loved and taken care of like they did at the beginning of their relationship; in other words, they feel like the person they are with today is not the person they married, and begin to wonder whether they have made a mistake marrying that person or that they’ve simply fallen out of love.

What goes wrong

At the beginning of any relationship, love is fresh. We are excited to spend every moment with each other, we want to know everything about each other and we tend to treat each other with love and care; in other words, we want to impress one another.

With time, feelings of infatuation naturally and gradually tapper off and are replaced with maturer long-term love. Our efforts to court and impress tapper off as well; this is natural and acceptable if changes are small. Problems in relationships arise when one or both partners stop showing the other that they care for them and that they love them. They are no longer courteous and caring towards their partner-they feel they are living with a buddy or a roommate. Becoming comfortable with your partner is one thing and taking them for granted is something else.

Tips for maintaining intimacy and a positive connection

Expressing appreciation for the small things:  Not regarding whatever your partner is doing for you or the family as their duty in this marriage Recognising that we all thrive on appreciation and it motivates us to keep giving.

Treating your partner with courtesy often: Saying “good morning” and “goodbye”; asking if you can help them with a task; opening the door for them asking them how they are feeling or if they need anything.

Listening to your partner and respecting points of view: Hear what your partner is saying; not automatically shrugging off their concerns or becoming angry and defensive; understanding that your partner’s viewpoint does not automatically mean that you agree with them; it simply means that you respect them enough to hear what they have to say — this is a courtesy you would extend even to a total stranger.

Having deeper and more substantial conversations: Not falling into the pattern of only talking about the mundane things in your relationship, such as work and the children; getting into the habit of setting alone time together and bringing up deeper and more substantial topics, such as your goals or dreams for the future or an old incident that you would like to share.

Being careful with your body language:

• Maintaining eye contact when your partner is talking to you, which conveys respect and care

• Refraining from rolling your eyes and using a sarcastic tone

Not criticising or disrespecting your partner publically: 

• Not addressing marital problems in front of others as it is disrespectful and will only induce shame and resentment in your partner instead of remorse

• Addressing your concerns privately and assertively

Cultivating a culture of fondness and admiration in your relationship: Instead of constantly looking out for what your partner is doing wrong in the relationship and then sharing that with them through criticism and blame, you can train your mind to look for what your partner is doing right, share it with them and compliment them. Then it is okay to complain about something and ask your partner for what you need instead. In a healthy relationship, positive interaction has to outweigh any negative interaction by a ratio of 5:1; you need 5 positive interactions to neutralise one negative interaction.

Setting weekly or bi-weekly dates: Preferably setting one day in the week to do something together as a couple; it could be going out for an intimate dinner, watching a movie or spending intimate time together at home on your own. Setting weekly or bi-weekly date nights and sticking to them conveys to your partner that you respect and care for them and that they and the relationship are a priority.

Reprinted with permission from Family Flavours magazine

By Mariam Hakim

Relationships and Couples Therapist