Is negative body image hurting your marriage?

Consultant Urological Surgeon And Consultant in Sexual Medicine

Many of us, at some point in our lives, experience negative body image.

It is very difficult to feel beautiful and sexy when we are bombarded daily with altered and unrealistic images of women’s and men’s bodies. Lack of self-confidence and poor body image can get in the way of intimacy. 

Body image has nothing to do with how your body looks. You may be a successful person with many friends and in a relationship with someone who sees you attractive, but still think you are not good enough because of a thwarted self-image. 

A negative body image can have a profound impact on your confidence and your marriage.

Effect of body image on sex

One strong component of sexual satisfaction is being comfortable in one’s skin. If you have convinced yourself that you are unattractive, it will be difficult for you to enjoy sexual intimacy. When your negative body image kicks in during sex, you will be focused on and anxious about sucking in your tummy, hiding your saggy breasts or turning the lights off to hide your body. These thoughts and actions lead to dissatisfaction — in and outside of the bedroom. People with negative body image tend to:

• Experiment less: Because you think your butt, thighs (you name it) are too big or too small, you experiment less in the bedroom and feel restrained and burdened instead of free and relaxed

• Insist that the lights be off: You feel terrible about yourself and figure that your partner would not want to see “these ugly parts” so you always insist on turning the lights off

• Complain a lot: “I am fat,” “I do not look good in this” and “Do not touch this part of me” all add up and slowly erode your self-esteem and kill your sex life

• Avoid sex: The less happy you are with your body, the less intimate you want to be with your partner. You try to avoid sexual relations, which inevitably has a negative impact on your relationship as a whole and can even lead to separation for some couples 

How to deal with body image issues

• Glow with self-confidence: It does not matter what size or shape you are, if you feel good about yourself, you will radiate with self-confidence and more people will find you attractive and want to be around you

• Stop negative self-talk: When you get dressed and look in the mirror, do you find yourself caught up in negative self-talk like “My thighs are big’’ or “My butt is so flat”? Those with body image issues only notice their flaws and imperfections and ignore their positive attributes. Try reframing your negative thoughts and focusing on what is good

• Seek expert advice: Not everyone with negative body image needs counselling but cognitive behavioural therapy may be helpful in helping you recognise your unhelpful thought patterns so you can challenge them and create new body positive thinking and habits

• Talk to your partner: People with low self-esteem tend to underestimate their partner’s love and view their spouse in more negative terms. Be open with your spouse about your insecurities as your assumptions about how he or she sees you are probably not based on reality but on your irrational and extreme thinking patterns. As you work on cultivating self-compassion and a healthier body image, you will find this adage to be true: ‘‘You have to love yourself before you can love someone else”.

Reprinted with permission from Family Flavours magazine