Mirror, mirror on the wall

By Nathalie Khalaf
Holistic Counsellor

It is easy to spend our time complaining about aspects we dislike in others around us, be it family members, friends or partners alike, but it is not an empowering feeling, nor does it change anything.

Something which could be considered to be empowering and could change a lot would be to learn how to observe what we dislike in others and then turn inwards to look within ourselves at what gets triggered and where those triggers may be coming from.

This is how we can release a lot of stagnant energy blocked within us and create our own wellness. This could lead to feeling balanced, content, happy and not triggered by the world around us. 

Carl Jung says that “everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a greater understanding about ourselves”. What we notice in others around us exists within us. If we did not have it within us, our psyche would not recognise it and we would therefore not notice it in others.

Self judgement

Think with me for a moment; do you fear other people’s judgement? I invite you to notice how you are judging yourself. Are there aspects in others you love and admire and wish you had? Then look into your heart because you will find the same traits you recognise in others. Whether it is something we love in others or something we hate, we are truly mirrors of each other.

Mirror work

Mirror work is slightly different but very impactful nonetheless. Many renowned teachers such as Barbara Ann Brennan and Louise Hay taught mirror work to primarily help increase our self-love. Mirror work is as simple as making time to look at yourself in the mirror every day for a few minutes and hopefully increase it to 15 minutes or more.

This exercise is extremely powerful and can help uncover many hidden layers we adopted in youth which stop us today from truly enjoying our life and being ourselves. I say “adopted layers” because the judgement and criticism did not come from us as children. 

Self criticism

Children do not criticise nor judge themselves; they are in complete acceptance, love, openness and joy all the time. I’m speaking about the age between birth and 6 years old. After that is when the ‘thinking mind’ starts developing and the child copies and absorbs images, sounds, ideas, beliefs and words from around.

So, if our parents, family, or teachers speak to us with conditional love and harsh criticism as children then this is what we will adopt and later on use as our inner voice throughout our lives. This is really where our self judgement and criticism come from. Changing the critical, judgemental, non-loving, non-supportive voice within us starts by becoming aware of it. Once aware, then we are detached from it and can start noticing it every time it pops up as a critical thought and feeling within us, towards ourselves.

Think positive

While practicing mirror work and becoming aware of all this judgement and criticism, we can remember where those came from and make a conscious decision to change them. To make a conscious decision is to think positively about yourselves and set your intention to fully accepting and loving yourselves.

Back to Carl Jung’s mirror quote, we can also merge his exercise with the exercise above. Together both exercises can help us work on releasing all aspects and traits we dislike and criticise within ourselves and replacing them with acceptance and love. 

The mirror exercise needs to be repeated daily for a minimum of 30 days. Remember, that critical voice takes time to settle in and pretend it is “your voice”, so you need to give yourself enough time to change the self-sabotaging voices into positive, loving, supportive ones until those become the norm and the new habit.

Critical judgement

Another part of this exercise is to look deep into your own eyes: Eyes reveal pain you had to hide. Perhaps you can release some of the sadness and promise yourself to always love and support the hurt child within. Journaling while doing this exercise can help a lot as you uncover layers of your past and set the intention to release all unwanted critical judgement.

By turning this exercise into a habit, you can more easily reach a place of inner peace where you will be more content with your life and yourself — the judgement of the self and others will cease.

We will thus find ourselves more accepting of others, whether we love them or not, by simply accepting them. You will not feel emotionally triggered, resulting in a happier lifestyle.

Reprinted with permission from Family Flavours magazine